Achieve Together have created an easy read guide for staying safe online for people with learning disabilities.
Supported Loving toolkit
Online dating
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When it comes to using the internet, technology or something like online dating, there should be a choice to use it or not, but choice should always be informed.
People with a learning disability and autistic people should be given the same opportunity to explore and understand the benefits of the digital world as everyone else.
If people were resistant to the internet and technology before the pandemic then 2020/21 will have either been really tough and isolating, or a shove into the world of technology. Learning to connect online can be great in lots of ways, for example, being able to do a pub quiz with friends at the click of a few buttons, or finally getting that Facebook profile you’ve been meaning to. We’ve heard that lots of people who live rurally, are now more connected than ever. Unfortunately for some people, and those paid to support them, the internet can feel inaccessible and scary.
There should always be an informed choice to use online technology or not. People who access support, such as people with a learning disability and autistic people, should be given the same opportunity to explore and understand the benefits of the digital world as everyone else. As a supporter think about ways that you can introduce technology into a person's world. For example ordering shopping, joining a Zoom social group or setting up a social media profile. There are lots of free devices and data available since the start of the pandemic so, look into your local charities (ie Age UK, Mencap or community centres) to see what is on offer.
Online dating and social media can feel a bit different to other internet usage as it’s inviting others, perhaps strangers, into a person’s world. This can feel scary and overwhelming, but there are things that we can do to make it as positive and safe as possible. Online dating has come a long way since the early noughties. It is now one of the main ways that people look for romantic interaction. By 2035, more people will meet their partner online, rather than offline, if current trends continue. Thankfully, there have been widespread improvements to the way people interact online.
For many people online dating or social media won’t be the way to go. But hopefully this toolkit can give supporters ideas on how to make it an option for those that want to give finding love, the modern way, a go!
What are the most common challenges faced in this area and how best to support people to overcome them?
Let’s start with some good news:
- Very few sites and apps allow people to get messaged by strangers without there being a ‘match’ first – this is a great step forward as it puts the user in control of their inbox.
- Sites with a mobile app and a website will allow the account to be used on multiple devices. So, supporters could help with and monitor the activity. This would have to be in-line with consent and rights law and your companies relationships and sex policy (see the policy writing toolkit here.)
- Most sites offer a range of privacy settings, and we suggest supporting people to understand how to use them.
- Users can set appropriate age-limits, although dating sites will always show matches a little bit either side so, support the person to be cautious on what they set.
- Users can sometimes ‘share’ a profile, so they could send someone they like the look of, to someone they trust, like you!
- Users can set other filters on who comes up in their search.
- Dating sites are, on the whole, better for all the above than apps and encourage users to add more information about themselves, and their intentions.
What are the particular areas of concern for people with a disability?
- Rejection, hurt feelings and inappropriate matches. One of the most difficult things to deal with in any dating situation is rejection. This can include not ‘matching’, being stood up or getting nasty remarks. This can be upsetting for anyone, let alone someone new to the dating scene.
- Encourage the person to use a site/app that allows them to share their ‘story’ as part of the profile. Encourage them to consider being open and honest about their disability. It is a part of their identity, in the same way as the things they are good at or the colour of their hair. It will help to reduce the harsh reality of rejection if other users are aware of their disability. Dedicated dating sites are better for this, or consider a disability specific site (see our useful organisations section). The Tinder app is the worst for creating an honest profile because you only have one sentence to sum yourself up.
- Explain people can be mean/nasty online, because they are hidden. Support the person to learn that these people are pathetic, they don't know you personally, are not worth their time so can be ignored.
- Prepare the person you are supporting to manage their expectations – it can take years for anyone to find love, even online.
- More than 13% of people on dating sites and apps are simply looking for sex, and about half are there just for fun. So, support the person to look for people who have stated what sort of relationship they want, so that it matches with what the person is looking for.
- Take breaks from using dating apps. It might seem counterintuitive, but sometimes coming offline for a bit can give renewed energy for when you feel ready to try again.
Staying safe
Sadly, the internet is a target area for scammers or worse. Research has shown that people with learning disabilities are targeted by people for scams. These often involve a person asking for money and saying they are their girlfriend or boyfriend. Some people are targeted and groomed for possible sexual abuse. The online world is full of unwritten rules that people learn through experience. Many people with learning disabilities are unaware of some basic ways to keep themselves safe online.
Here are our top tips for supporting the person to stay safe online:
- Do some research on what sort of site might work well for them. It might take signing up to a few before one feels right, especially if looking for LGBTQ+ relationships. Some people try to find love on social media like Facebook, this can be risky and make people vulnerable. People could be targeted by scammers pretending to be someone else. If they do want to use social media, encourage the person to find a hobby or social groups through the site instead of individuals.
- Encourage them to share only information you would share with strangers. Remember, everyone online is a stranger until you start meeting in real life.
- Only share basic information about likes/dislikes and the local area you live in ie East London, South Liverpool.
- Do not share your personal address, mobile number, or email address. Get to know your privacy settings.
- Support the person to understand the reality of sending explicit pictures. Make them aware that they cannot control what that person does with their picture or how and where it could be shared without their consent or knowledge. Make them aware if they repost/share an explicit image without consent, that was sent to them privately, then they are committing a criminal offence.
- Know that they might see images that are of an explicit nature. We cannot remove all risk if they are online.
- Read and follow the safety advice on dating websites – or ask someone to explain it to them.
- Encourage them to get some help creating their profile and setting their search criteria.
- Depending on their needs and abilities, consider encouraging them to have a trusted person to help them with their use on the site and with their messages.
- Remember to explain that they can block people, if they feel uncomfortable.
- Encourage them to share anything they are worried about or feel unsure about with someone they trust.
- Help the person to understand some of the 'codes' that people use in online dating. A common example is someone saying they want to, "Netflix and Chill," which means they want to have sex.
If you have concerns that, despite support and education, a person is unable to keep themselves safe online, a capacity assessment might be needed. See here to determine the relevant information a person would need to retain to have capacity regarding using the internet.
Meeting someone online in 'real life'
If a person uses online dating and says they have a date – do not panic! We suggest you:
- Encourage a video call before an actual date, so the person knows they are real! This is a very popular thing to do now in the general population.
- Meet in a public place that they know – just initially, and ask if they would be happy to invite someone else they trust to go along. You could also encourage them to speak to you on the phone, if they want to check the arrangements for the date.
- Make sure they keep a fully charged mobile phone with them. Perhaps you could arrange a call with them halfway through to check in.
- Remind them that they can leave at any time if they feel uncomfortable. They can call someone to help them or if they feel really unsafe, at any point, can call 999.
- You could help the person to think about how they might leave a date if they feel uncomfortable eg the excuses they could make etc.
Watch this video from Northamptonshire Healthcare NHS Foundation Trust, which can be used to demonstrate that not everyone online is honest about who they are.
Do...
- support people if they want to use online dating, if a person has capacity, this is their choice
- educate people about the risks and realities of online dating
- help people to keep safe online.
Don't...
- be afraid of new technology
- be afraid to raise the alarm if something doesn’t feel right
- forget to remind people that there may be other options, such as a local supported dating agency, social clubs, and shared hobby groups they could join.
Case study
Emma is 20-years-old, and she has a big sister who is using a dating app called Tinder. Emma really wants a boyfriend and is keen to try the app herself. Her sister puts it on her phone and Emma starts looking. A man called Joe sends her a message about how pretty she is and how he wants to meet her. Emma says she needs to ask her mum, but Joe says that she shouldn’t, and should meet him at his flat. Emma feels uncomfortable and tells her sister. She tells Joe if he wants to see her, he can come to her house as her mum and sister are here and she feels safer. Joe then blocks Emma, and she is upset and does not understand what she has done wrong. Emma tells her tutor at college who signs Emma up for the class about staying safe online. Emma now understands how to keep herself safe online and has decided to join a local dating agency instead, but she still enjoys a bit of, 'window shopping,' on Tinder.
Lizzie Carline, Development Manager at Wirral Mencap
The views expressed in the Supported Loving toolkit are not necessarily those of Choice Support.
Resources
Keeping safe online – easy read
Internet and phone bullying – easy read
Easy read factsheet from Surrey Police on internet and phone bullying.
Internet dating photo story
Central sexual health made a photo story for online dating.
Learning disabilities, autism and internet safety – Parents guide
All parents understand the importance of internet safety. This guide outlines some suggestions to help you limit the risk of your child having negative experiences online and understand what action can be taken if they do. This guide also suggests resources that will help your child get the most out of the internet.
Friends Against Scams
Good video on how to spot a variety of online scams from Friends Against Scams.
How to Stay Safe Online
Guidance from the Ann Craft Trust on how to Stay Safe Online – Guidance for Adults and Young People with Learning Disabilities
Supported Loving toolkit
The Supported Loving network has produced a series of guides to help support people with issues surrounding sexuality and relationships.
Read more
What is Supported Loving?
For some people finding love is often more than just chemistry – it can come down to getting the right support
Read more
Supported Loving network
Supported Loving is not a formal membership organisation. Anyone can take part, it is free.
Read more