Although this does focus on Down's Syndrome, it's a useful resource from the Down's Syndrome Association.
Supported Loving toolkit
Help for parents
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How should parents support adult children with learning disabilities to enjoy friends, relationships and their sexuality in a safe and healthy way?
Families are the first teachers and lifelong advocates for their children, so play an essential role in empowering their sons and daughters to live life to the full. However, there is very little information available to support families to think about the sex and relationships.
How best to support people
Many parents don’t always find it easy to talk with their children about sex and relationships. Fear of pregnancy and abuse often leads parents to try to protect their children (of all ages) with learning disabilities from the world of intimate relationships.
Not talking about sex and relationships doesn’t make our children less vulnerable, our discomfort does. Telling parents not to worry about abuse is pointless. Parents worry, it’s natural. Learning how you can teach people to stay safe is much more useful.
Everyone is different but my starting point is to teach about consent to any kind of touch from the earliest age. Even when people can’t easily answer, always ask "is it ok if?" Make sure they know that they can refuse hugs from anyone – even grandma! Here you can find lots of resources that you can adapt for your disabled child of any age. I really like this video about tea.
But it’s not all about sex – being able to make choices of all kinds is important. When you offer a choice make sure you mean it. For example when you say "would you like to go to the shop with me?" make sure "no thanks" is an answer you can accept. Otherwise say "we need to go to the shop today" because this sets a standard that their "no" is to be taken seriously.
When you have a child with learning disabilities you might find yourself having the kind of conversation you would never expect to have with your other children. That’s OK. If you blush, that’s OK too. Expect to have to give a lot of detail. If you really can’t bring yourself to explain something, find someone who can.
Find a group of parents who you can meet up with regularly and talk with each other about everything. There is real power in the collective wisdom of families. Invite disabled adults to come and talk to you and give them the opportunity to be role models for your sons and daughters.
You will need to put a lot of effort into supporting relationships but the long term impact is that your child won’t be lonely.
Do...
- teach your child (relative?) about personal boundaries and consent in all issues
- assume your child has a sexuality and that this is a good thing – make conversations about sex and relationships part of your everyday experience
- be encouraging – everyone needs loving relationships
- step out of your comfort zone and be a relationship coach for friendships and relationships.
Don't...
- let fears about pregnancy lead you to steer a person away from intimacy – reliable contraception is freely available!
- look to the past for examples – find people who will support your family with relationship building
- assume a person doesn't have the 'capacity' for loving. It is in everyone – but is expressed differently.
Case study
Janey has a significant learning disability but always went to mainstream school where she developed the same interests and aspirations as other girls her age. As she progressed through high school it became obvious that the complications and subtleties of the teenage romance arena were hard for her to interpret.
School re-instated the Circle of Friends that had been so helpful in the first couple of years with the specific purpose of helping Janey to understand the unspoken rules and traditions of secondary school. She learned that some boys get embarrassed when you tell them you like them in front of their friends and one of the circle made sure they were with her each lunchtime to have a chat and giggle that was a bit more private. Girls of her own age were best placed to explain how things work in their school as things had changed a lot since mum and dad were at school.
At home, family reinforced the constant message that nobody has the right to touch you or make you feel uncomfortable. They talked about the different consequences of wearing particular clothes (she still quite likes fairy costumes) and making declarations of love. They didn’t enforce any rules about this but made sure that Janey was making informed decisions whenever possible. She decided to adopt a more gothic image!
Keeping up friendships is hard when you need adult support, but adults are no longer welcome in the company of your peer group. The family used direct payments to pay a friend of Janey’s big brother to be a bit of a social secretary, travel buddy and discrete advisor.
Now Janey is at college and has had a few boyfriends. She’s not yet interested in a physical relationship so when a boyfriend wanted to touch her private places she said no very clearly and kept herself safe. That relationship ended and she’s single now, but widening her friendship group and taking a bit more time to check a boy out before asking for a date.
Liz Wilson, Dimensions
The views expressed in the Supported Loving toolkit are not necessarily those of Choice Support.
Resources
Download a booklet on sexual health and puberty
Easy read resources
CHANGE has some great information to purchase, which will provide a good talking point for conversation.
Books Beyond Words have a range of resources
Go to their website. Don’t forget all of the ordinary resources out there too which will give you plenty of ideas that you can adapt for your own child.
Supported Loving toolkit
The Supported Loving network has produced a series of guides to help support people with issues surrounding sexuality and relationships.
Read more
What is Supported Loving?
For some people finding love is often more than just chemistry – it can come down to getting the right support
Read more
Supported Loving network
Supported Loving is not a formal membership organisation. Anyone can take part, it is free.
Read more